Edward: Interview With the Vampire
by kitt3y
Summary: An interview with the vampire himself. Unfortunately not Brad Pitt. Rated T for somewhat sexual references.


_Edward: Interview With The Vampire_

Me: Hello, Edward. Take a seat. *lights cigar*

Edward: Thanks. Me: So tell me, Edward. The question we've all been dying to know. How do you make your skin so pale?  
Edward: ...

Me: I mean, I've tried everything. Powder, baby powder, milk powder, powdered milk, snow, ice, rain, sun... how do you do it?  
Edward: Well, you see, I'm a vampire.

Me: ...oh. Well that's fun.  
Edward: Yes.

Me: *awkward silence*  
Me: So tell me, Edward. Do you smoke?  
Edward: No.

Me: *waiting for further explanation*  
Me: Okay. So tell me, Edward. What's your favorite food?  
Edward: I don't eat.

Me: Oh. So tell me, Edward. Have you seen a therapist or a doctor to help you?  
Edward: With what?  
Me: Your.. bulimic issues.  
Edward: I'm not bulimic. I'm a vampire.

Me: Edward, you can't keep using that as an excuse. You're going to die if you don't eat.  
Edward: I can't digest food.  
Me: Sure you can.

Edward: And I'm also immortal.  
Me: *chuckling* Aren't we all?  
Edward: (?)

Me: So tell me, Edward. What is the best place you've ever gone to eat?  
Edward: I don't eat.

Me: No, but imagine that we scoot away from your bulimia nonsense. What if you did eat? Where would you go?  
Edward: Somewhere with class, I guess.

Me: McDonalds. Good choice. So tell me, Edward. Do you have any kids?  
Edward: I can't have any.  
Me: Ah. Is it her or you?

Edward: I don't produce bodily fluids.  
Me: Well, you drink blood and you're fully capable of getting a hard-on, Breaking Dawn taught us that much.

Edward: So you picked up the fact that I can get an erection - even though it's completely blacked out - but you haven't understood that I'm a vampire?  
Me: Whoa whoa whoa, wait a minute - you do have a kid! That Ren

Edward: Renesmee.

Me: Right. So if you don't produce bodily fluids, she wouldn't be alive. And what on Earth made you choose the name Renaya?  
Edward: _Renesmee_ is a beautiful name.

Me: Yeah, and the only beauty that counts is the one inside.  
Edward: You're so vain.

Me: Wait. You shouldn't even be able to have an orgasm.  
Edward: You'd think so.

Me: I mean, unless your semen is some sort of magical 100 year old potion which makes whoever you impregnate grow at super-duper speed... how do you do it?  
Edward: Nobody knows.

Me: Huh. So tell me, Edward. Are the rumors true?  
Edward: Are what rumors true?

Me: *leaning forward and whispering* That you sparkle.  
Edward: *irritated* Okay, I do not _sparkle_. I reflect.

Me: Edward?  
Edward: Yes?  
Me: That's stupid.

Edward: My sincere apologies.  
Me: So tell me, Edward. Dominant or Submissive?

Edward: Oh, definitely dominant. I can't stand when people try to push me around, the only person I actually let is Bella and she -  
Me: First of all Edward, and pardon my french - screw Bella Swan. Second of all, I don't think we're on the same page here.

Edward: *confused* What do you mean?  
Me: *sighing* I mean, that would you rather be a Dominant or a Submissive?

Edward: When you..?  
Me: In the bedroom.

Edward: Is it just me or is this interview heading south? *sigh*  
Me: It sure is. *smirking*

Edward: *glaring* Neither. When I make love I want both participants to be just as much in control as the other.  
Me: Oh, come on! You're such a pansy.

Edward: *smiles sheepishly*  
Me: Fine. You just stay there and keep sparkling.

Edward: There is a _fine_ line between sparkling and refl-  
Me: We've only got 5 questions to go. Are you done sparkling yet, or can we carry on?  
Edward: You really get on my nerves sometimes.

Me: I try. And do you even have nerves?  
Edward: Yes, but they're dead.

Me: Huh.  
Edward: Yeah. My organs don't just get washed away in the transformation.

Me: No kidding? So tell me, Edward. Where does all the blood you drink go?  
Edward: Well... *smirks and looks down*  
Me: Nice. *grinning* So tell me, Edward. How you doin'?

Edward: *cocking an eyebrow*  
Me: Right. So tell me, Edward. Since you don't digest anything, how do you go to the bathroom?  
Edward: I don't.

Me: Constipation. Nice.  
Edward: I'm physically incapable of being constipated.

Me: You should be physically incapable of having a child.  
Edward: Well played.

Me: Thanks. So, we're down to 3 more questions.  
Edward: Good.  
Me: You hurt me, Edward.  
Edward: My sincere apologies, yet again.

Me: Since apologies accepted. So tell me, Edward. What did you last dream about?  
Edward: *sighing* I don't dream.

Me: Oh no, actually we all do, it's just that we don't remember them most of the time, and -  
Edward: I'm physically incapable of dreaming.

Me: What? What good does that do? Did nature decide, _'hey, I'm not going to let Edward Cullen dream because then he might try to accomplish goals! Boo!_".  
Edward: Charming. And I'm physically incapable of sleeping, not just dreaming.  
Me: My God, can't you do anything?

Edward: I'm a man of many talents, actually.  
Me: There you go getting me all flustered again.  
Edward: You've just got your mind in the gutter. Don't get your panties in a bunch.

Me: I don't think your wife would appreciate you flirting with me and talking about my panties.  
Edward: Whatever.  
Me: Nice. So tell me, Edward. We're down to 2 questions. Have you seen Titanic?

Edward: I have, actually.  
Me: How did it make you feel when Jack died?  
Edward: I didn't exactly feel anything.

Me: You cold, heartless monster!  
Edward: That's like telling a suicidal person to go kill themselves. Not funny.

Me: You're right, we're getting off track here. Okay, so my last question is... hm... What is your opinion on The Lion King?  
Edward: I very much enjoyed The Lion King.

Me: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.  
Edward: Funny.

Me: Edward, we should get together and watch The Lion King trilogy. How cool would that be?  
Edward: Very cool.

Me: Well, this was fun. Good luck with your constipation and erection problem.  
Edward: Excuse me, but I thought we cleared up where the blood goes. I don't have erectile disfunction.

Me: Actions speak louder than words.  
Edward: Since when have you ever witnessed me struggling with an erection?

Me: Since when have I not? *rolls eyes*  
Edward: You're too dirty for my taste.

Me: And you are deliciously sweet with a hint of salt. And you're really cold too.  
Edward: (?)


End file.
